Who knows

I

"So. How's your girlfriend?"
'I don't have a girlfriend.'
"Fine, the girl you're dating."
'I'm not dating anyone.'
"You're not?"
'No.'


II

'It's not official but I'm still hanging out with "that girl," just so you know.'



III

"Let me see the picture you have of her on your phone."
Silence. Staring. Eyes locked.
"Let me see it."
'Well, there are some on her Facebook--'
"No. I mean the picture you have on your phone."
Silence. Deeper staring. Not blinking.
"I know you have a picture of her on your phone."
'Here's one from Forest Park.'
"Oh you took her to Forest Park. How sweet. I told you about Forest Park. We were supposed to go there."
'I've gone there a bunch of times by myself.'
"She's not pretty. I can't believe you'd rather sleep with her than me."
'What makes you say that?'
"Well you are, aren't you?"


IV


"Lying to me about it makes it a much bigger deal."
'I didn't lie.'
"You said you weren't dating anyone."
'I'm not. Look....it's not on Facebook.'
"Are you kidding me??!"
'What? That was a big deal to you!'
"Oh my god."
'Well, it's hard to explain....it's complicated.'
"What's complicated? That you have a new fuck buddy?"


V

"Do you know how I knew you'd have a picture of her on your phone?"
'How?'
"You always have pictures of the girls you're getting naked with when you first like them."


VI

'Look. I still don't know about things. I still don't know what's gonna happen.'
"Yes you do. You're sleeping with someone else."
'It's not serious. She lives in Vancouver. I see her like once a week.'
"You're just another guy. I thought you were my soul mate."
'I still could be your soul mate.'
"No."


VII

'Maybe when things are....maybe when I get my condo.....'
"You won't have enough money saved up to buy your condo for three years."
'Yeah, depending on how much I want to put down.'
"You expect me to just sit around waiting for you for three years?"
'......no......'
"And what's gonna happen when you finally own your condo? I'm still gonna get my feelings hurt sometimes by what you say. You're still gonna get mad at me for leaving my clothes on the floor. Things will still be the same."
'......i know.....'



VIII

'Hey look. I took you there.'
"I remember."
'And remember when we went there?'
"Hmm."
'Who knows what will happen.'
"Stop."
'Who knows.'

Numb Nights

I was "That Girl."

Which is totally acceptable and even understandable when you're in your early twenties.
It's a right of passage, a stair well to true womanhood.

But after all the relationships I've had I should have known better.

Love makes you a painfully devastating fool.

Everyone knew.
Even the people who didn't know me knew.

...He is stringing you along until something better comes along....

But I wouldn't believe it.
I knew he loved me still.
He had to.
It was written in his eyes, somewhere inside, buried behind the lies, was the truth he longed to sing out.
I love you. I want you back. Take my hand and walk with me.

He's fucking some new girl instead.

'It's not serious,' he tried to reassure me.
'You know me. I don't know what I'm doing.'

Awe.
I see.
So I should feel better that I have been replaced by a fuck buddy?
You are shattering my heart for sex that doesn't mean anything?

Perfect.
Brilliant, really.

Because if he really liked her, if he was excited about the connection and wanted to pursue it then I could be happy for him.
But he was indifferent.
Numb.
As lost and discontent as ever.
So his actions left the bitter aftertaste of indifference in his mouth and blood in mine.

I am so pathetic.

Love believes the best, so they say.
Which is why I called him back when I found out his friend committed suicide.
And then we ended up back in each others arms.

And she took my place while my side of the bed was still warm.

What a silly little girl I am.

No lover. No friend. No soul mate.
No truth and nothing but the truth.
Just hollow words.
And one long hug.
And lips soft against my cheek.

A blur.
The merry go round keeps spinning even as I fall off it.
All I see is gray.
And the gnawing numbness.

How did it so quickly die?