The Witches of East Wick (And all the other Bitches you know)

Women are bitches.

They are worse than men.

Men might be arrogant or only interested in taking your panties off (and then get theirs in a bunch when you laugh at the mere thought) but they at least are simple and clear in their douchery.

Women, on the other hand, have the ability to be complexly conniving, one way one day, and gossip queens the next.

It's a fucking nightmare.

I used to work with all women.

There were a few token gay men -who were like extra fabulous women- so it was an estrogen extravaganza.

Drama. To the max.

Now I work with women and men and it's true what they say: women behave better when men are around.

I don't know why that is.

And as the superior sex -Sorry, dudes, but boobs beat balls any day- we really should know better.

The other day, this girl I knew from my days as a lingerie conoisseur came to visit me at The Store They Pay Me To Play With Diamonds.

We were hardly aquaintances.

We rarely even comment on each other's Facebook Status'.

But there she was with her new beau visiting lil ol' me and all the jewels I get to play dress up with.

And within minutes of her being there, her inner bitch reared its ugly head.

She not only was hating on the quality of product in the store, -Wow, there's a HUGE feather in that diamond, but I guess that's why it's only seventyfive hundred- she was questioning our policies, -I know, I know your warranty is "free" but you don't cover adding extra gold. Yeah we do. Since WHEN? She was even trying to get competitive about the sales she'd steal from us when she was selling jewelry at her last store. If I got a business card from here I'd staple their receipt from my sale and put it on the bulletin board. I simply replied, I always feel that if a customer doesn't find anything they love then they shouldn't buy it here.

What was her deal??

Did she come in as a spy for her store under the guise of dropping by to say hi to me?

And let's not even get started on the fifty pounds she's gained since we worked together or her super icky clingy boyfriend.

Grody.  To the max.

But all that wasn't even the really bitchy part.

Her boyfriend whispered something to her and she told him he could say anything in front of me.

She has less of a filter and is more uncensored than I am.

And wanting to validate what she was saying and try and be light hearted (since the majority of their visit so far seemed uncharacteristically hostile) I added, Yeah, I've even had people delete me from Facebook because of things I've said in my status or blog.

Yeah, I've thought about it, but then I think, no, it's just too entertaining.

Um.

Excuse me....

What?!

Did she just say she's thought about unfriending me because of my sass??

Hi!

Rude much!!

You don't get to come into my work and criticize me and just get away with it.

Especially with an ass the size of my dryer.

You have to be pretty or you have to be nice or no one will like you.

It's in the Bible.

And the tragic part of all is she's not the only one like this!

I feel like I encounter more bitches than sweethearts everywhere I go.

Do you know why a lot of women are friends?

Because they hate the same things.

They hate the same people.

They bitch together, bond, and then giggle gleefully through their two faced days.

I used to work with this girl who loved to hate on you not with her words, but with her EYES.

She'd stare at you from across the room, thinking she was oh so subtle, and I knew exactly what she was doing.

She'd be taking mental inventory of everything I was wearing, from the way my eyeliner was drawn on to how I'd pinned my hair, deciding if she approved of my striped hosiery or my layered necklaces.

I CAN SEE YOU STARING YOU BLASE QUEEN OF ALL THAT IS BEIGE!

You shop at Kohl's.

You aren't allowed to judge anything I wear.

This shit is vintage couture.

I find these interactions exhausting.

Unoriginal bores.

It is so much more wonderful when our focus, as goddesses in the world, is making each other smile and glow.

And not with some false phony feigned kindness but with genuine gratitude for the differences that make us each shine.

And with thankfulness that we understand, in ways a man can't, the logic of needing to cry one minute and stab someone with a fork the next.

That is beautiful.

And I wish we'd leave the ugliness to the men we'll never screw.

Because being bitchy really doesn't go with that outfit.

Just sayin'.

Dating Portlandia: The Good Kisser Guy, Part Two

A great first date is a rare and wonderful occurrence.

And it leaves you giddy waiting for date number two.

You anticipate what might happen next, what you'll wear, where he'll take you.

You wonder if the kissing will be as good the second time around.

Better, even.

You literally feel the anticipation stirring inside you, dancing on your skin, like some outside force making you giggle a lot.

But unfortunately for those first few dates, timing is everything.

And while I did get my second date with The Good Kisser Guy, it happened about a month after the first.

Now there's nothing explicitly wrong with having so much time lapse between dates, per se.

I understand that life happens, people get busy, they get ill, they travel, have family in town, get swamped at work, etcetera, etcetera.

Fine, whatever, things happen, I get it.

But this is the problem for ME.

I have a short attention span.

I am all about the momentum.

I need things to build, emotionally, physically, intellectually.....

Timing is a delicate, moody teenage girl who loses patience when events don't flow just so.

You see part of the thrill of date number two was remembering how I left feeling date number one.

Now so much time had passed that it was harder and harder to remember.

Had he really been that great?

Had our connection been real or just some fluke of the night?

And now that I had this huge expectation in my mind would he be able to live up to it?

He was charming in text.

He was one of those guys who always had something going on, some play he was seeing, some friends he was meeting up with to sing karaoke.

I liked that he had a life.

But he wasn't at the stage to invite me to all these fabulous things so it left finding a time we were both free difficult.

Finally, feeling fed up with wondering and with a curiosity partly fueled by boredom I asked what he was up to right then.

Just carpe diem, lets meet right now, sometimes you gotta just grab life by the balls kinda whim.

And surprisingly, the timing was perfect for him.

He worked at this tiny indie movie theatre on the east side and invited me to meet him there and hang out.

With the promise of free popcorn and booze.

Score!

When I got there I felt like I was in high school, hanging with my crush at his work.

He had Crown Royale hidden under the counter -Did I mention he was also the manager?- and he fashioned us some well drinks while I munched on stale popcorn.

He was super friendly -Oh, you're just gonna kiss me in front of customers? Okay, that's cool.- and super chatty about all he'd been up to.

And it was fun.

He was a cute, fun guy to talk to.

It was fine.

Buuuttttt.......

The whole not seeing him for so long and having him just wanna suck face like we were hormone crazed teenagers left me wanting.

First of all, I just got there, so I wasn't nearly drunk enough to just make out for the sake of frenching.

Second of all, he obviously started this drinking party long before I got there and seemed already slightly intoxicated which is never very sexy when you're sober.

I remembered how much he drank on our first date.

Does he have a drinking problem? I thought to myself.

And don't get me wrong, he was a doll and I liked kissing him, it's just the timing was all wrong.

I didn't feel close to him because I hadn't seen him in so long and I felt a little silly being so demonstrative in a public place.

I know, I know.

Hand over the knitting needles, Grandma.

Needless to say date number two was a little anticlimactic with The Good Kisser Guy.

He invited me to come over after and I could have had a good ol' drunken tryst but I wasn't feeling it.

The weeks that followed held some half hearted texts and excuses for why he was too busy to make time for me and I knew the great love affair I'd imagined might be never would.

Sometimes a great kiss is really just great because of that moment. 

They happen and we delight in them but they don't always last.

But kisses that are just ordinary hardly seem worth it.

And I was willing to wait for one that was great every time.

Because really good kissers always have perfect timing.

Dating Portlandia: The Clit Tease Guy

He used to be a waiter at this restaurant I went to all the time.

I had a little crush on him even while I had a boyfriend.

-Relax. Not a real crush. Just a gee whiz, isn't he cute crush.-

I couldn't help it.

He was so my flavor: tall, lanky, kinda shy, a little awkward, cute in a totally understated he has no idea how gorgeous those baby blues really are sort of way.

He lived in the same building as my boyfriend.

On the same floor, five doors down, actually.

Like some sitcom from the Friday night line up.

For the next year and a half he became my elevator friend.

That was the only time I ever really saw him, on my way to and from my bf's place.

But eventually my boyfriend became my ex boyfriend.

And one night, while planning a ladies night in January, I decided to have it at the restaurant he worked at.

I wore my green lace Nicole Miller dress that fell over my hips like I was poured into it.

How could he resist me?

He charmed me and my friends the entire night and I left my number adorably on the receipt.

But I never heard from him.

Which of course meant he was either gay or never actually got my number.

It didn't matter. 

By then I was dating a third of Portland anyway and trying to ignore the two timing under age pixie slut my ex was currently sort of casually dating.

God I hated her.

And one summer day, passing by the door of my ex's neighbor I thought, you know what?

What the hell. I'm just gonna go for it.

And I left a note on his door.

A sort of hey there, remember me, the elevator girl with the yoga mat you saw the other day.

Yeah, I've sort of had a crush on you for awhile now and my best friend lives down the hall from you (we used to date but we're just friends now) and I thought if you were single and interested I'd love to meet up sometime. Let me know.

I've been that way my entire life.

Asking boys out in third grade, asking out the hot barista I had a crush on, the cutie in my sociology class, the hottie waiter that conveniently lived doors down from my ex boyfriend.

No shame, no patience.

I want what I want when I want it.

Are you in?

And miracle of miracles, he was.

The next day he texted me that he got my note and was flattered (awe, schucks) and yes he'd love to grab a drink sometime.

So we set up plans for next week and I had my date.

Except I didn't have my date.

Because the night before our never to occur rendezvous he bailed.

Yeah I actually have kinda been seeing someone and now's not really a good time for me. Sorry.

Then why'd he text me in the first place?

I mean, I get maybe wanting to be nice and respond to the note I left but why not tell me you're seeing someone?

It just got my hopes up only to make me feel rejected when it all could have been avoided in the first place.

Lame sauce.

So I never texted back and deleted his number and that was that.

I was more annoyed than anything and I had the rest of Portland to date anyway so whatevs.

Months later, I get this text.

Some number I don't recognize, Hey if you're ever around the building and you wanna stop by for a glass or a pint or a bowl, or whatever, feel free, I've been working from home and am usually around.

I'm sorry.....WHAT??

I knew it had to be someone who didn't really know me, because if you know me then you know I don't smoke -I do guys, not drugs.-

But I had no idea who could be inviting me over for anytime alcohol and pot so I asked who it was.

And it was him.

Chinatown/Elevator was what he wrote.

Which was kinda poetic.

He really was the guy from the elevator in old chinatown.

I'd passed him the night before actually.

I was leaving and he was returning home.

Which totally stroked my ego because I figured he musta seen me, thought I was looking good and thought, that's someone I want in my apartment drunk and high.

Ohmygod. Hetotallywantstobone.

I was thrilled.

I'd been pining for this guy (albeit moderate pining) for the past year and a half and it was finally gonna happen??

And what timing!

This girl was ready for her rebound.

And I'd have the icing on the cake possibility of rubbing my ex's face in it?

Oh no. No no no no no, it was too good.

Crush procured. Much needed rebound commencing.

All was right with the world.

We made plans to meet up in a few nights and I was gonna meet at his place for some wine.

Et cetera.

Everyone I told the story to agreed waiter guy sounded like he totally wanted to hook up.

I was a little nervous and a little excited 

-I'm not gonna tell you how long it'd been but let's just say Mama could use a little lovin-

And I had absolutely no idea what to expect.

And what happened was definitely not what I was expecting.

He talked at me for hours.

Not with me.

AT ME.

He'd seemed shy the handfuls of times we'd interacted but no, he wouldn't shut up.

I learned everything from his distate for his writing class at pcc, to his childhood tales of woe from his abusive and alcoholic father, to his unresolved feelings for his ex girlfriend who went back to her husband, to the erotic short stories he hoped to soon get published.

And I still had no idea what the hell I was doing there.

He didn't sit next to me, he sat on the couch opposite me.

He sat on the floor by the patio door, flicking the ashes from his cigarette.

He paced in front of the coffee table and rifled through the over crowded book shelf handing me copy after copy of tattered coverless books.

Are we gonna make out or what? I thought to myself.

Is he ever gonna shut up long enough for something to happen or am I just here like some free therapist?

Everything about this guy screamed rebound.

He was a tortured artist, guitar playing poetry writing nihilist.

Who hated everything about everyone but still was sensitive enough to want to cry about it.

He had holes in both his socks like he didn't care enough to be bothered to change them.

His twin bed sat nudged between one of his couches and the wall a table should have gone.

He said his friend sometimes stayed with him so he let him have the room.

Okay, I thought, so if anything happens it will be on the twin in the living room.

I feel like I'm in college.

He's older than me, but I feel like I'm back at PSU.

This is perfect.

I could never actually date this guy.

And he's totally going to quote EE Cummings as we make passionate love and it's the best rebound EVER.

And then it happens.

Come here, he motions for me to lay with him on the couch.

This is it, I think.

This is when he's finally gonna make his big move.

But he doesn't.

He just lays there.

He HOLDS me.

Like we're preteens on some Disney Channel show.

We S-N-U-G-G-L-E.

That's it.

He kisses me on the cheek and gives me a great big bear hug as he walks me to my car and that was it.

What a fucking clit tease.

Nights later, feeling amorous, I flirted a little text his way to which he pompously said he really didn't think THAT was a good idea and he really couldn't get into it right now.

He. Texted Me. And Invited Me. To drink. And smoke a bowl.

But he really didn't think it was a good idea for anything to HAPPEN between us.

What a Mo.

And I deleted his number once again and that was that.

I wonder who I'll be in your blog, he'd mused when I'd been over.

The Clit Tease Guy, Asshole.

What a proud day for your bony ass.

New Year. New You. Well, for a Day.

I'm not really big into the whole resolution thing.

It's a little contrived.

A little forced.

It's too.....well it's just too much like every other asshole.

And I'm a unique snowflake, dammit!

I hate blending in with the masses.

So instead of Setting a New Year's Resolution, I quietly told myself I was going to quit one of my less than lovely attributes:

From now on, when upset, I will no longer bring up the past.

The past mistakes, the past hurts, The Way We Were crap, none of it.

Just present in the moment, accepting all that is instead of dwelling on what was.

-Which is completely different than setting a resolution. Obviously.-

I felt kinda proud of myself.

Hit the personal growth quotient, the being better to others factor and I'd decided it all on my own without even telling anyone about it.

Snaps for me.

I'd really outdone myself.

This was going to be the New Me for the New Year.

Yeah.

I made it a day.

We planned on watching a movie.

We were gonna eat popcorn and drink this fancy beer we'd been saving and it was going to be awesome.

Instead he sort of got sucked into playing this game for three hours.

The thing was, I really didn't care.

At first.

I was watching my show on Netflix and just generally enjoyed being lazy.

-Does anyone else agree with me that "How I met your Mother" is a really great show but that Ted, the lead guy, is really annoying??-

I figured we could always watch the movie another night since it was getting late.

I really didn't give a shit.

But men have this really adorable quality when they feel guilty for screwing something up and instead of just apologizing and making some gesture to set things right they find a way to get really defensive and somehow make what they did your fault so you shift from complacent and accepting to This Shit Just Got Real! mode.

I am such a bitch when I'm mad.

And just like that, like some trigger, he flipped my switch, and I started bringing up all the tiny, stupid, bullshit things that pissed me off from last year -Okay, not ALL of them, obviously, because no one is THAT thorough -and I had one of those out of body experiences where you can't stop what you're doing, it's like a flooding of words escaping your body and I just thought..........what the hell happened?

It's fucking January 2nd.

I made it a day??!

I resolved not to do this, to drudge up the past when I'm pissed, and 24 hours later that's exactly what I'm doing?

This was the real reason I hated resolutions.

It's set up for failure.

It's a way to feel like you're without because more likely than not, you will inevitably not succeed at keeping your resolution because they're always things that are out of character.

And my character is pretty damn set.

And then I had a revelation.

I will never be the kind of woman who doesn't irrationally do things she shouldn't, like bring up a past that has no relevance to anything happening today.

I will never be the kind of woman who, when provoked, purrs softly and doesn't emotionally vomit all over the people she cares about most.

That is who I am!

I am crazy!

Emotional, passionate, capable of all out insanity crazy.

And instead of trying to change aspects of that to fit some idea of who I Should Be, I'm going to say instead, that I vow to love and rock the body that does fuck up from time to time.

Because without those idiotic symptoms of all that is Resa, I wouldn't be.

And I'm fucking fabulous.

Crazy's just a part of that.

Crazy is the sequins on my curve hugging dress.

And the truth is, things only ended well anyway.

Sometimes epic fuckups are the moments you realize people love you anyway.

And instead of getting mad back and having a fight or sending me home or telling me to go hang out with his douche canoe neighbor -More on Clit Tease Guy later- he just laughed.

He laughed at my tantrum like I was an adorable child throwing a hissy fit in her tiara and tutu.

And he gave me a back rub and brought me champagne.

We watched a short show together and ate our popcorn.

All was right in the world.

Broken resolution and all.

Damn fine start to the year.

Cheers!

My Not so Perfect Love

My best friend used to be my boyfriend.

We work really well as friends but not as a couple.

You know that book, The Five Love Languages?

We only had one of the five in common.

And only about once a week.

-So we didn't really have that one in common either.-

We were just too different.

And opposites do attract, personality wise, yes.

But your core needs have to sync up.

Otherwise one of you gets their needs met and one of you is dissatisfied.

So, here we are, a year later, and we've stumbled into a much better relationship than we ever had while we were dating.

Maybe the secret to being in a happy relationship is dating other people.

I kid.

We both give horrible back rubs.

Having a massage from him is like having sex when you're a virgin.

He's rough when he should be tender, quick when he should be slow, he pounds on the one spot until you're almost in more pain than you can bear,  it lasts all of five minutes and when he's done, he looks at you with a big grin of pride and asks, "You good?"

But my back rubs were of equal caliber so it worked out.

We also somehow managed to score the same on the myers briggs personality test.

ENFP.

Though my friends are all convinced he's really an introvert.

He is the most introverted extrovert I've ever known.

Yet for all Mr. Briggs and Big M's scientific method, we couldn't have personalities more different than each other.

But if I get upset he never gets flustered.

He smiles and laughs because he finds my rage adorable.

He takes care of me when I'm sick.

And I let him share all his nerdiness with me because I know how much he loves it.

-I've played more video games in the past year than I have since I was a kid. And then I only played them so I could hang out with my brother.-

He's not my perfect love.

He's moody and self involved.

He can be socially awkward and single minded.

But he's always there for me when I need him.

He's never told me to fuck off -I'm not going into how many men have-

He accepts me as I am, whether I'm a bitch or whether I'm sad.

We just work.

And it doesn't make sense.

It just is.

Sometimes the things that are imperfect work the most perfectly.