Still looking for a karaoke partner

I hate being ignored.

I'm sure everyone does.

Nobody's like, oh goodie, this person wants nothing to do with me!

But I think there are certain things in life I'm extra sensitive to.

Being ignored is definitely one of them.

I've had several great loves and nearly all of them have ended up never talking to me again.

I don't know why that hurts so much but it does.

My last love I was determined to stay friends with.

Though it nearly killed me in the process. 

Because being mere friends with someone you're in love with is pain incarnate.

But against all odds, sixteen months and counting, we're still friends.

I love him for that.

I'd have these moments where this fear would set in, a fear that he would never talk to me again.

I convinced myself something would happen, I'd do something or say something wrong, and that would be enough to push him over the edge and that would be that.

He'd shut me out and I'd never hear from him again.

Just like with Narcissus.

And Mr. Volcano.

And the countless Mr. Wrongs.

But for some strange reason, he'd always text. Or call.

He's somehow more resilient than most of his gender.

At least where I'm concerned.

So I meet this new guy.

And in some way, with my words, though I've yet to determine what syllables I formed that were so utterly intolerable, I push him somehow.

And this new guy has shut me out inexplicably.

I know I'm crazy.

I'm a handful.

And I'm sassy.

I'm loud. Direct. Forward.

But I swear, I didn't do anything.

I mean, nothing happened.

He just shut me out.

Because that's what he felt compelled to do.

Because that's how most people are.

And I don't know why it bothers me so much because people constantly come in and out of your life.

They make time for you and then you never see them again.

You email them and they never write you back.

No one could possibly have an intimate, meaningful relationship with everyone they know.

So why should it matter if there are those that don't think you're worth their time?

Because it is rare to find someone you actually want an intimate, meaningful relationship with.

Most people don't get you.

They don't want to.

I had a guy tell me this week, "You're an acquired taste."

Like I'm not delicious enough to be what everyone wants all the time.

I'm that one eclectic food item on the menu that makes people ask the waiter what that's all about but no one ever actually orders it.

I'm the tartare on the vegan menu.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm fabulous.

I love turning heads.

I'm glad I am memorable.

I'm glad my personality is so over the top that I'm going to another one of my customers weddings just because they fell in love with me during our few hours together.

This is not a pity party.

But I HATE that the men I care about disappear.

I would rather they told me to fuck off than never talk to me again.

You know why?

Because expressing ANYTHING is more genuine and honest than saying nothing.

I choose passion, even laced with hate, over indifference any day.

The poetry in all of this is that someone who is good friends with him, with the new guy whose shut me out, has ended up being more thoughtful and kind and supportive towards me, and I hardly know him.

So the romantic connection I had hoped would grow into something worthwhile instead led me to a different platonic connection that surprisingly has made me feel more beautiful than the man I found so handsome in the first place.

Life has a sense of humor that is an acquired taste.

Fortunately for me, I'm someone who can appreciate it.

Just like there are those who appreciate what they see when they look at me.

Not everyone can see the beauty in chaos.